search blog posts by tags etc! ⤴
Pinks & Frills
I have a very complicated relationship with gender, particularly gender expression. In my adult years, I’ve spent a lot of time thinking and analyzing myself in all kinds of ways, many different facets of my being, gender being one of them. When I was growing up, I was not given the chance to really sit and think about why I wanted to present myself in one way; I didn’t have the time and space to question such things about myself, when my brain was far too occupied with dissociation and just making it through another day. So, like with every other aspect of my selfhood and personality, I am just now able to really make sense of the kind of person I truly am, what the concept of gender means to me.
Thief
When I first fell ill and had the massive breakdown of 2022, I felt like everything had been taken away from me. That feeling has since persisted, and it is something I find myself thinking about on the regular. Every time I try to talk about it with medical professionals, they tend to argue against me, reminding me of the good that I still have in life. I know their intentions are pure, I know they think that they’re doing is helping me, but in all honesty, I just want someone to listen and truly understand what I mean.
Don’t Dare To Dream
Do you have dreams? As in, do you have goals or aspirations that might seem a bit unrealistic but are still something you want to pursue and strive to achieve? Or maybe you used to have dreams, as a kid perhaps, but now in your adulthood, you have lost all sight of them.
My Reflection & Me
Some people say that your appearance does not define you, and I would like to agree with that sentiment. However, this world has continuously taught me that the two are so intertwined with one another that sometimes, it has become impossible for me to separate the two. My face has become who I am, and that in itself has led to more problems in my selfhood than I can count.
I Regret Being Born
Have you ever thought about the fact that none of us actually asked to be born? For people who have no experiences with mental illnesses like mood disorders or personality disorders, the thought might be something they find baffling to even think about. Generally speaking, if you enjoy being alive and living your life, you probably don’t have all that many reasons to be thinking about how you never gave consent to being brought into this world: if you’re having a good time, something so fundamental and philosophical might be of no use for you to think about. “Yeah sure, I didn’t ask for this, but who cares about that, I’m glad I’m alive!”
“You HAVE To Understand!”
Growing up has made me realize a lot of things. One of them is that there really is no limit to how badly people want to excuse violence and abusive behavior of any kind. They are always looking for a reason. They are always fighting tooth and nail to justify someone beating the shit out of you, and a lot of it comes down to one thing they never seem to be able to extend your way.
Empathy.
Use It Against Me
Over the years, I have struggled immensely with finding the courage to trust other people’s intentions in getting to know me. The process of befriending someone is still a great mystery to me, as in how I am even supposed to approach the issue, and I’m sure a lot of you share the same sentiment. How am I supposed to know what to tell the other person about me without coming across as too forthcoming? How am I supposed to differentiate those who genuinely want to be friends with me out of those who wish to get closer to me only for the purpose of gathering more things to hurt me with?
The Invite
There are a lot of things my Friends did that I still find myself being confused by. Things that just simply do not make sense in the context of our persistent dynamic. Things that seemingly served no purpose – until I sit with them long enough to finally be able to see it. This has taken me multiple years to get to, but better late than never, I guess.
But even then, I can’t help but wonder why anybody would go to such lengths for those purposes. How any of it benefited them personally is still a mystery to me. But maybe that is something I will never be able to understand, because our ways of thinking are so fundamentally different.
Life Update: Finding My Bro
Do you remember this old Life Update post? In August 2023, I was struggling a lot with the constant need to find a bro in my life. I had dreams about meeting him, I was talking to my girlfriend about this guy who didn’t even exist at that time, grieving the loss of my former bro, the one who I never should have ended up dating in the first place. This yearning was back then, and has been, very very strong, something I have lost sleep over. And it is strange because a lot of the people in my life just don’t seem to understand it: why is it so important for me, a lesbian, to have a guy best friend? And honestly, I don’t really know the answer to that question, either. It’s something I have always had, and after coming to terms with my sexuality and becoming more secure in my experiences as a homosexual woman, I have also sort of just accepted it.
That I just need a bro. A young man with good vibes, great sense of humor, intelligent, loyal, and also queer himself.
And friends, I have the pleasure to finally let you know: I have found my bro.
The Bait
Do you know the feeling you get when you realize that someone has completely bamboozled you? There’s a proverb in Finnish that we use for this action: “They pulled you at the nose.” I’m embarrassed to admit that I’m not familiar with the background of this saying, but maybe that would have been different if I had actually finished those damn university studies. But I didn’t, because certain bozos pulled me at the nose a bit too many times. Kind of.
It is one of the most humiliating situations you can find yourself in: you just sit there in disbelief, completely awestruck with the reality; that they really fooled you so fucking good, and you were none the wiser. The level of anguish and physical pain that I remember myself feeling at those moments in indescribable in any of the languages I know and speak.