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Give Yourself Up
Do you remember what was your main interest, something that you really really loved, when you were a child? Has that interest extended its way to your adulthood, or have you forgotten about it entirely? Or, the third option, were you forced to let go of that interest because of what other people had been doing to you?
Reboot The Game
I used to be an avid Sims player, like a lot of kids my age. I was nine years old when the Sims 3 was released, it was the first game I ever had the pleasure of owning and playing on my laptop. Until then, I had just watched my friends from wealthier families play the Sims 2. It seemed like such a fun game, something to get creative with, something to explore the human condition with – in ways that I wasn’t really aware of at the time.
Pinks & Frills
I have a very complicated relationship with gender, particularly gender expression. In my adult years, I’ve spent a lot of time thinking and analyzing myself in all kinds of ways, many different facets of my being, gender being one of them. When I was growing up, I was not given the chance to really sit and think about why I wanted to present myself in one way; I didn’t have the time and space to question such things about myself, when my brain was far too occupied with dissociation and just making it through another day. So, like with every other aspect of my selfhood and personality, I am just now able to really make sense of the kind of person I truly am, what the concept of gender means to me.
Thief
When I first fell ill and had the massive breakdown of 2022, I felt like everything had been taken away from me. That feeling has since persisted, and it is something I find myself thinking about on the regular. Every time I try to talk about it with medical professionals, they tend to argue against me, reminding me of the good that I still have in life. I know their intentions are pure, I know they think that they’re doing is helping me, but in all honesty, I just want someone to listen and truly understand what I mean.
Don’t Dare To Dream
Do you have dreams? As in, do you have goals or aspirations that might seem a bit unrealistic but are still something you want to pursue and strive to achieve? Or maybe you used to have dreams, as a kid perhaps, but now in your adulthood, you have lost all sight of them.
My Reflection & Me
Some people say that your appearance does not define you, and I would like to agree with that sentiment. However, this world has continuously taught me that the two are so intertwined with one another that sometimes, it has become impossible for me to separate the two. My face has become who I am, and that in itself has led to more problems in my selfhood than I can count.
I Regret Being Born
Have you ever thought about the fact that none of us actually asked to be born? For people who have no experiences with mental illnesses like mood disorders or personality disorders, the thought might be something they find baffling to even think about. Generally speaking, if you enjoy being alive and living your life, you probably don’t have all that many reasons to be thinking about how you never gave consent to being brought into this world: if you’re having a good time, something so fundamental and philosophical might be of no use for you to think about. “Yeah sure, I didn’t ask for this, but who cares about that, I’m glad I’m alive!”
“You HAVE To Understand!”
Growing up has made me realize a lot of things. One of them is that there really is no limit to how badly people want to excuse violence and abusive behavior of any kind. They are always looking for a reason. They are always fighting tooth and nail to justify someone beating the shit out of you, and a lot of it comes down to one thing they never seem to be able to extend your way.
Empathy.
Use It Against Me
Over the years, I have struggled immensely with finding the courage to trust other people’s intentions in getting to know me. The process of befriending someone is still a great mystery to me, as in how I am even supposed to approach the issue, and I’m sure a lot of you share the same sentiment. How am I supposed to know what to tell the other person about me without coming across as too forthcoming? How am I supposed to differentiate those who genuinely want to be friends with me out of those who wish to get closer to me only for the purpose of gathering more things to hurt me with?
The Invite
There are a lot of things my Friends did that I still find myself being confused by. Things that just simply do not make sense in the context of our persistent dynamic. Things that seemingly served no purpose – until I sit with them long enough to finally be able to see it. This has taken me multiple years to get to, but better late than never, I guess.
But even then, I can’t help but wonder why anybody would go to such lengths for those purposes. How any of it benefited them personally is still a mystery to me. But maybe that is something I will never be able to understand, because our ways of thinking are so fundamentally different.