There have been many instances where I’ve thought to myself, “how didn’t I see that coming back then?”. It seems so obvious to me now, the signs were already there, the proof was in the pudding before I ever took a bite out of it. How the fuck was I so blind back then?

But then I remember that the only glasses I was wearing as a Kid were heart-shaped rose-colored glasses with no prescription, even when I would have already needed it. Hindsight is 20/20, and mine sure is just that right now – and I don’t think it is just because of the glasses I wear today.

A lot of my Friends were overly nice to me in the beginning. They wanted to spend time with me, sat at the same table with me on lunch break, asked me how I was doing during the school day. They offered to help me with group projects, gave me credit for the hard work I did in group settings, some of them even invited me to come over to their place after school. All of these things are what friends typically do for each other: they are gestures of compassion and care, of interest and affection. So how could I have known?

How could I have known that there are people in this world who do these things to you only to treat you as their little plaything? That these people live lives of fabricated personhoods, of lies and deceit? And how could I possibly have known that you didn’t even need to be an adult to be able to do something like that, that kids are some of the best manipulators in the world?

Being neurodivergent makes realizing these factors very difficult, especially if you have never even been told that your brain works a bit differently than others’ do. If you go undiagnosed your entire childhood, nobody can possibly prepare you for the realities of existing in social situations that are, at large, dictated by the codes and mannerisms of neurotypical people – people that you have barely anything in common with. And that is what happened to me, too.

When I was a Kid, I wanted to see the good in everybody. I firmly believed that all people are good in their hearts, that sometimes things happen and force them to act in ways that are not as morally pure. But even then, I didn’t want to blame my Friends for their actions, and for years to come, I wouldn’t be able to do that, simply for the reason that I just wanted to see the good in them. I genuinely believed that everyone deserved that kind of respect, no matter what.

Now, I guess you could say that I’ve become a lot more cynical – not just toward other people but myself and the world as a whole – but I don’t know if you really have any room to blame me for that, considering the circumstances of my existence.

So when my Friends did all of these nice things for me, I held onto them for dear life. It didn’t matter if they beat me up the next day, either physically or otherwise, that would not erase my genuine faith in them. And I guess I felt for them, too. I wanted the good for them, and I believed they wanted the same for me, deep down in their hearts. And if that good eventually arrived after all the abuse, it would be worth it.

Well, it wasn’t. It really wasn’t, at the end of the day. Because here I am, with my four separate diagnoses and a shit ton of trauma, writing about social interactions I experienced 12 years ago, and I feel the weight they have put on me for all these years. My inability to trust anyone, my immense fear of being abandoned once again, all the people who have left me because I was just too difficult for them, the void of loneliness that eats away at the very core of my shredded heart…

So no, it is not worth it. And no matter how much it hurts to admit it, that the people who you so desperately want to be okay and become real friends with, sticking with your Friends is going to hurt a million times more than whatever you think you are afraid of. You have to let them go, even if they say they don’t intend to do that in the first place.

“But you’re such a good friend, come on now, it was all a joke!”

Yeah, but you weren’t a good friend to me. You were never one to begin with.

Snatching the scarf,

ichigonya

BFF 4EVER!

Hidden In Plain Sight

Let’s Be Friends!