You Don’t Have To Be Ashamed
It's taken a very long time for me to be comfortable with the act of sexual intimacy. I'm on the asexual spectrum, and sex has never been at the forefront of what I value the most in a relationship. It has never been a dealbreaker for me in any way, and lack of sex to me does not signify a failing relationship. But not all of that disregard is rooted in me being ace. A small part of it is due to learned – or taught to be more precise – patterns of thinking.
Taking Advantage
When I go back to those years, those days, those moments, a paralyzing sensation of dread sets over me. It makes me feel violated all over again, and in a lot of ways, I think I am just now truly experiencing the horrible emotions those events caused within me, because I just wasn't aware of any of it. I just didn't know what it even was that I was facing, and why years and years after, I felt uncomfortable and scared around other girls.
Longing
If there is one place in this world that pretty much everyone can agree on that they never want to go to, it's probably a psychiatric facility. The stigma and shame of being admitted to the psych ward is very strong even to this day, no matter how much progress the Western society has made in terms of accepting and normalizing mental illnesses. You can have depression and anxiety, maybe even some traumagenic illnesses or eating disorders, but you can NEVER be so sick that you would absolutely have to go to the PSYCH WARD. Anything but that! You would rather even immerse yourself in your suffering, because the thought of hospitalization is so terrifying and shameful.