Growing up has made me realize a lot of things. One of them is that there really is no limit to how badly people want to excuse violence and abusive behavior of any kind. They are always looking for a reason. They are always fighting tooth and nail to justify someone beating the shit out of you, and a lot of it comes down to one thing they never seem to be able to extend your way.

Empathy.

I find it fascinating just how common this occurrence is, mainly because this line of thinking is something I have never related to. Why would you go out of your way to understand the aggressor who has clearly done a lot of damage to the victim who just happened to be there at their disposal? Or, better yet, an aggressor who has been continuously tormenting a victim they have chosen as their little puppet doll, an emotional outlet – how do you find it in yourself to look at the victim and say, “well, actually, the reason they’ve been assaulting you for the past few months is that they just recently lost their very beloved mother”? What the fuck is up with that?

Something that I have to fight against very often when creating art and content on my lived experiences with bullying and childhood trauma is people downright not believing me and sometimes accusing me of lying or coming up with made-up scenarios to “get attention online”. For that reason, I very often I find myself wishing that my memory was as stellar as it used to be when I was a Kid, so that I could recount every single individual example of dumbassery I’ve had to witness when dealing with abuse-apologists. Because the things that these people use as valid reasons for a person to abuse you are, at times, almost as astounding in their filthiness as the abusive acts themselves.

But what about the abusers themselves? Do they use the same arguments to get themselves off the hook? Of course they do, absolutely.

When it comes to bullying in particular, it is very common for the perpetrator to try get their actions excused by hiding behind the mirroring glass of “my parents fight a lot” or “my sibling doesn’t like me”. Whatever the verbiage may be, the sentiment stays the same: “I’m having problems at home, please feel sorry for me!” It’s a tale as old as the tale of kids abusing each other, you are almost guaranteed to hear a victim of bullying say they had one of their tormentors say that straight to their face or a teacher of some kind. Because of course, it is the first one who is hurting who is excused of any hurt they might cause to completely innocent outsiders!

There were times when the argument by which my abusers tried to justify their actions was one I found myself relating to. I don’t talk about my family a lot here, simply because I do not see or feel that they have traumatized me in any way. My relationship with my parents now is the best it has ever been, but even back then, we had it really well. I credit my parents to providing me with a safe home, two of those actually, and without them I know I would not have survived my childhood. My parents are my lifeline in a lot of ways, and I’m incredibly grateful for them.

That doesn’t mean we haven’t had problems, though. Sure, those problems didn’t traumatize me, but they did have an impact on the inner dynamics of our family and many other things I don’t find relevant to bring up here. One of these major problems has been the fact that my father is an alcoholic. He’s struggled with his addiction for over 50 years of his life, but he has now been sober for over three years. Without talking about it too much, I want to say one thing: my dad’s alcoholism did not make him abusive. The biggest problems it has caused my family have been financial. He himself has suffered from his addiction more than I ever have.

Finland has the population of about 5.5 million people. There are well over half a million alcoholics in this country, making almost every tenth Finn an alcoholic. There are around 1.5 million Finns with a significant drinking problem. Alcohol is the leading cause of untimely deaths in the form of traffic accidents and illnesses like liver failure. Every Finnish person has at least one alcoholic in their family, if not immediate, in their extended. This country has a deeply rooted cultural issue with alcohol consumption, and the whole nation suffers from it at the price tag of several millions of euros every single fiscal year.

Almost all of my friends and other loved ones are either children of alcoholics or have an alcoholic in their families somewhere. That is, quite literally, the Finnish way of EXISTENCE. It is tragic, sad, and extremely dangerous, but that is how things are here. I have never, ever, been attacked, assaulted, or abused by people who I know have the same background as I do. Someone who I know to be the child of an alcoholic has never done anything abusive toward me at the guise of "well, my dad’s an alcoholic”.

Except my Friends.

We share the same struggles. We all come from troubled backgrounds. For fuck’s sake, this country is riddled with addicts who drink themselves to death, we all know them! And yet I am forced to sit here to listen to you lecture me on how your father’s drinking habits make you want to stalk my every move, follow me to my home, steal my likeness online and smear my legal name to the point that I never want to bring it up ever again on public platforms. That somehow, because your dad drinks a bit too much, you’re justified in beating me with floorball sticks in P.E. and sexually assaulting me in dressing rooms.

Funny how my father’s problematic number of beer cans in the trash never made me want to do shit like that to anybody.

Closing the sink tap for you,

ichigonya

“You HAVE To Understand!”

I Regret Being Born

Use It Against Me