And My Scars Are The Only Thing You Will Ever See

I've already written about that one very frustrating appointment I had with my psychologist a bit before Christmas. There were a lot of things that bothered me in that conversation, but one of them was noticeably bigger than the rest. I could not stop thinking about the way my psychologist approached the entire issue: making me feel responsible for my own reckless behavior and thus harming the people around me more than myself. I think at the very core of this discussion was the idea that I was doing this to myself because I was making that conscious decision to harm myself instead of doing something productive. That it was my responsibility, my fault even if you will, that I was cutting my arms into shreds.

there’s no one there.

It baffles me that a health care professional would say something like that about a symptom that clearly has its roots in some very serious mental agony. You typically hear doctors and nurses say that you should never just treat the symptom, because the symptom is always a sign of something bigger than that. And with self-destructive behaviors, that is always the case because no one would ever willingly cut wounds into their skin just because. 

It feels invalidating to hear a psychologist say that I should think about the consequences of my own actions, especially how much I'm hurting my loved ones with my reckless behavior. She made it sound like I wasn't even cutting my own skin but that of my family members. It is so frustrating to have someone who's supposed to know the intricacies of your situation basically tell you that you are only causing harm to others. That is literally one of the worst things you can say to someone who self-harms, because chances are that they are already drowning in their own guilt. 

I haven't really had the chance to talk about my trauma with any health care professional since I fell ill. When I have tried to talk about it, they have either just dismissed it or told me not to force myself to talk about things that are too painful for me. I don't know how they think they're going to treat me if they consider talking about my trauma too challenging of a task for me. Trauma is trauma, of course talking about it is not pleasant. But how are you supposed to treat a trauma-based illness without talking about the thing that caused the patient to develop said illness in the first place? 

"You shouldn't be pushing yourself too hard." Okay but not pushing myself to get uncomfortable and actually talk about my past is what lead me to this situation.

The cuts on my skin and the scars that come after are a reflection of a much larger scale issue that I have with myself. You cannot make me stop self-harming if you are not even addressing or recognizing the cause. I cut myself because I am hurting, that should be obvious to mental health professionals. But I feel like they are not really seeing my Pain in any of this, that they are just looking at my skin and seeing the scars there, not listening to the cries of my wounded heart.

I hurt myself because others hurt me. I hurt myself because others made me feel like I deserve to be hurting.

Because Pain is the only thing I know.

My arms are itching,

ichigonya