How Long Can I Take This?
At times, I wonder if anyone else in this world suddenly finds themself utterly exhausted for no apparent reason. It baffles me how people can just keep going on, day after day, doing the same old things, taking a shower, eating, going to the bathroom, going to sleep, and repeat it all the next day. Sometimes I just can't help but feel like there is no purpose for any of this. Why should I wake up, brush my teeth, wash my hair, eat my breakfast? What difference does it make? Would it even matter if I just one day decided not to do those things anymore? Just because I'm tired of it all.
rain.
It isn't necessarily that I'm tired of something specific – it's more this entire existence that I am fed up with. There are various parts of my existence that surely exhaust me even further, but I don't think I can pin all of it on depression or other mental illnesses. The best way to describe the feeling is to say that my soul feels exhausted. Like it's been here for too long, in too much pain for one tiny human spirit to endure. It longs for eternal sleep because nothing else will make the exhaustion go away.
"Sometimes I wish I had never been born at all." Someone else has said it before me, and I have to say they got it right.
Suicidal ideations are not, at their very core, even about death. Many times, suicidal people do not wish for death itself but for something that sort of resembles death but is entirely unreachable for someone who's already existed on this planet for a while. That is the lack of existence, not being born. Because when you have been through a lot of trauma and battled with a variety of mental illnesses for quite some time, you even being on this space rock feels pointless to you. Why did I have to be born, just to be in this kind of misery?"
Life itself and everything that comes with it can start to feel pointless, meaningless and repetitive when you have spent the majority of that life in some sort of pain. Every new day is a new chance for your body, heart and soul to hurt some more. Who would want that kind of an existence? A lot of people don't, and that's why they take their own lives.
Every day, I am confused by the idea that a very big chunk of the people living in this world actually enjoy being alive. They are eagerly waiting for the Sun to rise, to start a new day. The thought of dying in their sleep terrifies them, because that would mean that tomorrow would never come for them. And that is the worst possible outcome.
I think the last time I felt that way about life was probably when I was a kid. But even then, I feel like that feeling wasn't necessarily the most genuine one out there because I was in complete denial of my trauma and in a constant state of dissociation. So I don't know if I've ever felt that zest for life.
Doesn't that sound miserable to you?
I don't know how long I can take it.
Getting by,
ichigonya
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