Life Update: Looking For A Bro
I think men are amazing. Some of the most important people in my life have been men, and only a few of my abusers have been male. It has usually been other girls and women who have hurt me the most, which is why I have this general feeling of fear and distrust around them. In my eyes, men are more trustworthy than women, so I've naturally gravitated towards them.
It took me a very long time to realize that I wasn't attracted to men romantically or sexually, because I have always felt the need to be close to them and form meaningful relationships with them. I am not the stereotypical lesbian who does not think about men and wants nothing to do with them; actually, I would argue that I think about men far more often than women. It might seem really backwards, but the reason for that is the fact that there are more types of attraction than sexual and romantic, and I experience those very strongly for men, in the same way I experience romantic and sexual attraction toward women.
I've always found pretty men very pleasing to look at. They are beautiful, and I just like looking at them, in the same way I like looking at beautiful art. Pretty, feminine men are stunning to me, and that is what we call aesthetic attraction. I am aesthetically attracted to men, meaning I find myself gravitating toward their beauty just for the sake of admiring them like the piece of art that they are.
And then, there is the concept of a bro.
Being really good friends with a guy is so special to me. They are amazing people, I connect with them on a very deep level, and because of the level of gayness that is radiating off me, they always approach me without that twinkle in their eyes, shrugging and thinking "that sure is a lesbian if I have ever seen one". Masculinity is a very big part of who I am as a person and my gender expression, so I feel this specific connection to a lot of the things that men have going on in their lives, sometimes to the point of experiencing full-blown gender envy for them. I love men's fashion and their effortless beauty, and I really want to steal some of that for myself.
Right now, I don't have that kind of a friendship with a guy. I am missing my bro. 'Bro' to me is my male best friend, a guy close to my age, with whom I share interests and political values, who's funny as shit, cool and chill, and maybe also a little bit gay himself. I used to have a relationship like this in the past, but after our ways parted, the 'bro' spot has been vacant. And I am frustrated by that currently.
My desire to form a deep, platonic relationship with a guy is sometimes so strong that I know other lesbians think I'm just bi in denial. But when that happens, I just smile with the knowledge that those girls don't know what it's like to experience love outside of sex and romance, and I feel sad for them. Because no, I would never date my bro – I'd like to go out for drinks with him, though.
Men are amazing, and I need more of them in my life.
Missing my bro,
ichigonya