Control Slipping Through My Fingers

 There are not a lot of feelings in this world I hate more than loss of control. My life has always been dictated and controlled by everyone else but me; things have just sort of happened to me, while I've been watching from the sidelines. It is an eerie feeling that leaves a deep pit in your stomach, no matter how much you try to ignore it. Eventually, you have to figure out something else to control, something that no one else but you is aware of you're even controlling. 

autopilot.

Control and lack thereof takes on many different forms in all of our lives. For me, it ranges between everyday tasks to downright abuse. A lot of my lack of control I have compensated with self-desctructive behavior like self-harm. This is when I am at least somewhat aware of the lack of control I am facing. Sometimes, though, my brain checks itself out without notifying me on its apparent vacay trip, and I am none the wiser. That is when even everyday routine tasks slip away from me, beyond my reaching point.

The feeling of watching yourself wash your hands as an outsider is truly fascinating. You are an observer of your own being, your body and the way it interacts with its surroundings. You are not consciously moving any of your muscles, but yet, they are still somehow moving and performing these tasks.

When dissociation takes over your brain, you lose control of yourself at least partially. You are not aware of yourself and your actions in the same way you normally are, which can sometimes lead to dangerous situations. Autopiloting is a useful skill the human brain has developed through evolution, but when it is a constant gear your head slips back into, it starts to become a problem instead. 

I like to think of dissociation and the lack of control it causes me to feel as playing a video game in third-person view. You are the player and you control the movements of your avatar, but you are not seeing their actions through their eyes. You operate through them by giving them commands with your controller or keyboard, but you are not truly in their shoes. Even though I have never experienced one of those literal out-of-body experiences, dissociation cuts off a crucial link between myself and my consciousness, leaving it severed and me with the feeling of being a mere video game character in the simulator game. It is a truly frightening feeling that sometimes leaves me completely disabled. At these moments, the best thing I can do for my own safety is to stay inside and not leave the apartment. Or getting close to the kitchen counter, for that matter.

Looking for my controller,

ichigonya