I Didn't Know
Dissociation has taken a lot of things away from me. I have massive gaps in my memory, both long-term and short-term, seemingly for no reason. But it has also shielded me from a lot of things; things that were too hard for my child brain to comprehend. It's fascinating how you can go for years without knowing a single thing about it, and then one day, the memory is right there, crystal clear in your mind, as if it was planted there. You question it – how is this even possible? – and think you must have just made it up and it was probably nothing. But the memory persists, it will not leave you alone, and every time it comes back to you, there is a pit in your stomach, and you feel it in your bones.
I'll Be of Your Service!
When you were a child, did you have an imaginary friend? Someone completely fictitious that you had created in your mind to keep you company? Kids are extremely creative and they have a wild imagination, and imaginary friends are one manifestation of that creativity. It is all part of the play of pretend, which used to be my favorite kind of play.
Out Of My Own Body?
"So, what does it really feel like? Is it like some type of out-of-body experience?"
I Don't Know How To Feel Anymore
Dissociation leads me to the feeling of emptiness very often. People with BPD experience a chronic feeling of "emptiness", as if something is missing within themselves, a part of their soul is lost, and all you have left is the hollow empty feeling of a shell. This is a common struggle for myself, too, even without dissociation. But dissociation makes it easily ten times worse.
To Forget Is To Protect
Every time I talk about the daily abuse I was facing in my childhood and my parents are listening to me, they always say this one thing to me.
"If you had just told us how things were really like, we could have done so much more."
Funny Proportions And Ringing Ears
Your mind sometimes plays tricks on you. You see or hear things that aren't really there, and it can really freak you out at first. To a certain extent, sensory hallucinations are normal, because the human brain is so complex that we still don't fully understand its functionalities. Sometimes our brains just make us sense things that aren't real, and there's nothing more to it.
Control Slipping Through My Fingers
There are not a lot of feelings in this world I hate more than loss of control. My life has always been dictated and controlled by everyone else but me; things have just sort of happened to me, while I've been watching from the sidelines. It is an eerie feeling that leaves a deep pit in your stomach, no matter how much you try to ignore it. Eventually, you have to figure out something else to control, something that no one else but you is aware of you're even controlling.
Laugh It Out
Have you ever started laughing in situations where it is not socially acceptable? Something people really frown upon is laughing at funerals, I've heard. Accident scenes are also some of these happenings. What determines whether laughing is an acceptable reaction can be difficult to dissect, especially if you are neurodivergent in some way. Generally speaking, though, places and situations where laughing is considered rude and impolite are serious events and quiet areas. If there is nothing funny going on, you shouldn't be laughing. But what is considered funny, then? That varies from person to person; not everyone finds the same things funny. This is just one of the reasons why social norms are so confusing to me, but I think in time, I have learned to remember when it is appropriate to do certain things, like laugh. That in itself is a task for me.
Gaps & Corrupted Film
I used to have a stunning memory when I was younger. I was able to memorize insane amounts of pointless information like the flags of all European countries, but also some very useful stuff like what the deadline for the most recent Finnish and literature assignment was. As a Kid, I had my classmates come to me for homework – not in the way that I'd do it for them, but in the way that I'd remind them of the pages and exercises we were supposed to complete for our next math lesson.
Is It Midnight Already?
They say that time starts to go by faster as you get older. The general explanation for this phenomenon seems to be how you start to get accustomed to life and the way it works: you form your personal routines that consist of getting up in the morning, eating, taking care of your hygiene, going to work or school and the like. Every passing day is kind of the same, unlike when you were a child, everything was so new and exciting, the world was waiting for you to explore it. Every time you went to school, you learned something new, and each day was its own special experience. You were eagerly waiting for the holiday season to roll around, just to see what kind of presents you get this year and how the nature around you might change her clothes from the summer green to autumn yellow and eventually winter snow white. In a lot of ways, children are the only group of people who seem to consistently appreciate the small things in life, the beauty of nature, the way fire crackles in the fireplace, the excitement of summer break after a long school semester.