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Selfish When Alive, Free When Dead
I haven't been doing that well recently. I don't think there's any specific reason for it, other than maybe the stress of moving and living in a new apartment completely on my own kind of got to me in a way. But nothing has happened that would've made me upset; I've just been hurting a bit more than normally. I guess it comes with the illness – ebbs and flows seemingly without reason.
Doormat
There comes a point in your life when you start to wonder why bad things keep happening to you year after year. Why people keep mistreating you, hurting you, abusing you. You are desperate to find any kind of explanation for it, no matter how irrational it may be. And when literally everything about the circumstances change – the place, the time, the people – everything but you, you wonder why that may be.
" We Never Wanted You Here"
On the first day of fourth grade, I got greeted with about a dozen of girls from my class. They noticed me right away when I stepped into the doorframe. Their faces turned into looks of disgust and horror, and they all approached me as a group.
Life Update: Getting There
This week has been very eventful, and even though I am exhausted and my body is hurting a lot, I am so relieved and excited. On Thursday, I finally moved into my new apartment. What a struggle it was, everything with my former landlord and all the money issues; a lot of things didn't go as I'd initially planned, but we managed to figure it all out and make it work eventually.
How Long Can I Take This?
At times, I wonder if anyone else in this world suddenly finds themself utterly exhausted for no apparent reason. It baffles me how people can just keep going on, day after day, doing the same old things, taking a shower, eating, going to the bathroom, going to sleep, and repeat it all the next day. Sometimes I just can't help but feel like there is no purpose for any of this. Why should I wake up, brush my teeth, wash my hair, eat my breakfast? What difference does it make? Would it even matter if I just one day decided not to do those things anymore? Just because I'm tired of it all.
Second Nature
There's a great deal of frustration I've had to deal with during the past couple of months. In a lot of ways, my situation is very stagnant: nothing is happening, no matter how hard I try, how hard I work, everything's just standing still. Especially regarding my health – I can't get proper treatment before I've moved out of my current city, and that has proved to become such an enormous issue that I am considering contacting an actual lawyer. Currently, the only treatment that I have is medicating; I have several antidepressants, one antipsychotic, and one beta blocker. But no planned therapy or consultation. And that is why I've been getting worse and worse by the day, slowly drifting toward that deep slump of depression I was in last summer. And all of this just because of one shitty city and their terrible mental health care that puts the blame for their mental suffering on the suicidal person themself.
My Soul Is An Infinite Pit Of Emptiness
Last summer, I spent over a month on the psychiatric ward. I was acutely suicidal, I had planned everything for the moment I was going to kill myself. The month I spent in the hospital gave me a lot of answers to my situation, and the most important one of them all was a name for everything that was wrong with me.
For Your Pain, I Am Punishing Myself
I don't think I ever realized just how much I was hurting when it was happening to me. That might be due to dissociation or the very high likelihood that I am somewhere on the autistic spectrum, but as a kid I was very unaware of my own pain. Reading through diaries and journals I'd written back then is very difficult, because you can clearly see it in the text; how I was almost confused by the constant feeling of something being terribly wrong.
Where's My Body, And What Am I Doing To It?
Whenever I tell someone that I suffer from dissociation due to my childhood trauma, they usually ask me if it really is some kind of an out-of-body experience, like you're looking at yourself from the outside. And usually, I tend to reply to this question with 'no'.